Gary said he felt great joy when his Mom asked me to wiggle the turkey leg to see if it was done and it came off in my hand. I felt great relief when I carved into the breast and juices flowed.
Okay - here's how you make a turkey (aka the Wilma Method, with My Modifications noted as [mod]):
Salt and pepper and [mod]poultry season it. Do not add any stuffing because it's just a juice trap. Rub an entire semi-melted stick of butter over it. Put an aluminum foil tent over it for all but the last hour. Bake a 17 pound turkey 5 and a half hours at 300 degrees (outrageously low, but the pop-up timer works the same). As you bake, baste every half an hour and [mod] take a syringe from the bathroom and give the turkey an intra-muscular injection of broth as you baste. (It's cool - you see the pockets of juice later when you carve. Just as someday someone will autopsy my thighs and find little pockets of interferon amongst the cellulite.)
This turkey was so good Ken was afraid to compliment it. I praise thee, little Amish friend.