Nnnnooooooooooo...I flunked my test turkey. I followed all the directions and it made a turkey that somehow seemed dry and undercooked at the same time.
I plan to follow George W Bush's lead on this. I shall start by decreasing expectations. I already called Wilma and asked her how to make her Special Steamed Turkey, and Arzaana-fay couldn't resist telling me how she defended me when Sandy and Arhan-fay were moaning about how it was too bad I was making the turkey. So, I've got the lowered expectations thing down pat.
Next in the W playbook will be to find a scapegoat. As I explained to Wilma, I can cook a regular turkey, but I was thrown a curve ball by her demon spawn Gary, who wanted a fresh turkey. (Gary screamed from the other room: "Stop lying about me to my mother! You were as excited about having a fresh turkey as I was!") But I know from our current administration that even if you are on record as saying one thing, it is effective to go out the next week and say you never said such a thing, even if the Daily Show plays and replays the tape of you saying it as the Moment of Zen.
Finally, I can find someone to torture. I don't know how this will help with the turkey situation, but it sounds satisfying, and the president does it. Gary has wrenched his hand and I think I could have some fun toying with that.