So, back to Gary's closet Mormon relatives. Ended up he has another Aunt (Audrey) and it was her husband (a Mormon, a Mason, and a PhD) who died.
So, Gary was somehow elected to be in charge of sending flowers on behalf of his parents, sisters and himself. He's off work this week, so he took care of it and proudly told me about it when we went out to dinner.
"Well," he crowed, as pleased with himself as if he had just - I don't know - cleaned the HOUSE on his day off, "I got Aunt Audrey a fruit basket from Harry and David instead of flowers."
"That's nice," I chewed.
"And I put this great quote on the card. It's by William Penn. 'For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity,'" he quoted verbatim.
"Lovely," I crunched.
"And then I put on the card, 'Have something to eat, you'll feel better,' and I signed it 'Love, the Ken S______ family.'"
"That sounds - What?" I choked.
"Have something to EAT you'll FEEL BETTER?"
"Yeah. I thought a joke might, you know, cheer her up."
My mouth was open and my mouth was full and I did not care. I mean, why care about niceties like table manners when your husband has tarnished the reputations of his parents, his sisters, you, himself, all non-Mormons, all Missouri residents, and may I say all mankind? So, I am not dealing with it. If I see any of my in-laws and they say anything I'm going to say, "Aunt Audrey? No, Gary doesn't have an Aunt Audrey. I don't know what you're talking about."