Ahhhh... you know how I hate keeping a secret, at least, I hate keeping my own secrets? And remember the day I was moved to tell you about my skanky pjs because HR made me keep my mouth shut? And you know how New Guy suddenly fell off the Big Map Of Mockery?
Well, here's the first in a five-part series: The Story of New Guy. Day 1 equates to about Feb 19th.
So, here's this new guy. First day of work. Our boss' boss makes a point of telling us, "Try to rein yourselves in. This guy's kind of conservative."
So, New Guy sits in his first meeting with us. Hot Young Coworker suddenly interrupts the meeting.
"Ellen! Are you staring at my boobs?"
"No. I was not. I was resting my eyes," I said, because Gary has used the "resting my eyes" excuse before and has found it effective. "Can we continue?"
Hot Y. C. covers her breasts with her hands. "What, are they drawing you into their powerful energy field?"
For full comic effect, I close my eyes and pause dramatically. I sighed to New Guy, "I am sorry. Please forgive [H.Y.C.]. This must be embarrassing to you."
New Guy makes non-committal New Guy noises.
New guy starts the day by complimenting another co-worker's shoes (they were darling shoes). This co-worker is also hot, and thirty-five ish. Let's call her Hot Mom.
"Nice shoes," he said.
"Thanks," she answered.
"Do you know what that means?" he asked, and proceeds to tell her there's an exchange in French Connection in which a man tells a woman "Nice shoes," and in the next scene, boom, they're in bed.
Hot Mom responded with the snake eye.
Unaware, and remembering Executive Cautions that New Guy is older (fifties) and thus must be conservative, I again apologize to New Guy at the end of the day for Hot Young Co-worker's behavior during the meeting.
"Oh, it doesn't bother me," he shrugged, "I was walked out of my last job for sexual harassment."
I was amazed. "What did you do," I asked.
"Oh, it was an awful job," he answered, or rather, didn't answer.
"Was it a misunderstanding?" I said sympathetically, because I am a crappy judge of character.
"No, I did it on purpose. I hated that job."
Must ask more questions! "Why didn't you just quit, then? Was it unemployment; you wanted to get fired do you could get the unemployment?"
(OH! So you're a JACKASS. I see now.) "So ... hmmm ... so you were frustrated with your job, and you decided to take out your hostilities on some unsuspecting woman."
"So. Anyway. I had a question about this software."
"No, really, I'm just trying to understand."
"So, does this software integrate with the database?"
At the end of that day I share this story with Hot Mom and find she has already been harassed. On. Day. Two.
Discussion Questions: Does loose talk around the office (witty though it may be) render void your right to be offended by loose talk? Or, should a sensible person simply wait a few weeks before responding in kind? Or would New Guy still be creepy if we'd known him for months? Discuss.