I need you to help me out here. I'm going to tell a tale that borders on the disgusting. I'm going to try to do it with some delicacy and grace.
Here's what I need you to do.
Imagine my lower gastrointestinal tract is an annoying little boy. Named Colin. Pronounced just like the "Colin" in "Colin Powell." Okay. Okay? Are you with me? Now I can tell this story.
--------------- The Adventures of Colin Bowel --------------
So, I only see my my little friend Colin once a week. He used to come around a lot more often (in fact to an annoying degree) but since I've been taking the antidepressants and Betaseron, not so much. Most of the time he's dead to the world. He doesn't bother me at all (I mean AT ALL) except for once a week.
Then, once a week, Colin will wake up and make his presence known. And when he's awake he is quite the hyper child. He can move. He does all the moving in one hour that most other little boys (named Colin) do in a week. In fact, once Colin slept for thirteen days. That was his personal best. Then he woke up, spent an hour taking care of business, exhausted himself, zonked out, and I didn't hear from him for another week. That's how he is. Either he's comatose or he's making up for lost time. He'll wind up by getting ahead of schedule too, even if things aren't quite ready, then he's out for the next seven days.
Some people might not like this arrangement, but I find it quite convenient. In fact, the day for Colin's weekly visits has been Thursday for the past two months, and I was surprised I did not see him yesterday.
I tried to coax him awake this morning with a grande cappuccino and a baked egg souffle. "Colin," I whispered urgently, "I made this Gynecologist appointment for today because I expected you Thursday. You need to pay me a visit before my appointment at 10:30, otherwise I will be very inconvenienced."
"ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz," Colin snored.
"Well allrighty then," I sighed, "Just so you know I can't spend any time with you from 10:30 till 11 or so."
At 10:20. I said my farewells at work.
"Where you off to?" Hot Mom asked.
"The MS doctor?"
"Nope," (long pointed look at Manbitch) "The...other doctor." My face added: The one we do not speak of in front of the males because, I don't know, we don't want them to have the mental image of us in stirrups.
"Ahhhhh," Hot Mom said. "I seeeeeee."
"It won't take long," I added, "Just in and out." Bwah! Yuk yuk yuk.
I was in the waiting room at 10:30 when Colin tugged on my skirt. "Hey!" he said.
"Colin, I don't have time for you right now."
"Hey, come on, I'm awake. Let's do something."
"Well, I would if you were quick about it, but I know if we start anything you'll take a half hour."
"Pleeeease" he grunted.
"I don't have time. You'll have to wait."
There was a brief pause.
Colin tugged on my skirt.
"Hey," he said. "Pay attention to me!"
I hopped up and asked the receptionist if the doctor was running on time. "Yes, he'll be right with you." So, he was out of luck, and in a moment Colin and I were in an exam room. Colin tried to pester me while the nurse took my blood pressure, but I ignored him. And like a fool, I believed her when she repeated the doctor would be right in.
"Hear that, Colin? He'll be right in. Then I can spend some time with you."
Colin, however, did not calm down, and during the next HOUR AND TWENTY MINUTES I SPENT WAITING IN THE EXAM ROOM he was fidgeting, squirming, rolling, and asking if it was time to leave every five seconds. I tried sitting perfectly still with my hands gripped in fists. It took all my focus.
"Hey," he said, punching me in the gut. "I have a present for you."
"Stop bugging me! We are staying here. I can't pay attention to you right now."
"How 'bout if we go, just for a minute, and then come back?"
"I'm not falling for that. You get started, you get into it, and then you stop paying attention and frankly, your work gets very rushed and sloppy."
There was a moment's silence.
"See that can over there that says 'biohazardaous waste?'"
"DON'T even think it. Don't EVEN go there. You settle down. I'm not budging."
Finally the doctor showed up and gave me a pelvic exam. Colin wasn't happy when the doctor pressed on my belly, but he knew that meant it was almost our Special Time. (My doctor, if you are wondering, did not try to tickle Colin directly, since we are not old enough to deserve that special attention.)
Finally it was over. I dressed in a heartbeat and marched solidly down the hall to the restroom. Which was....occupied.
"Whhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Colin screamed.
"Shush. There's another one across the parking lot. Hang in there another ... ten minutes, okay?" It was only a two minute hike across the lot, but sometimes you have to lie to Colin and fake him out, otherwise he gets all excited.
At any rate, once we made it there I spent a good thirty minutes of Quality Time with Colin and gave him my full attention. He romped and played. We were both pretty tired after. I'm a little jealous, I had to go back to work and Colin gets to sleep for another week.