In some recent tabloid Gary read that Billy Bob Thornton attributes his weight loss to his Raw food diet. It seems Gary celebrated his Ellen-free week by eating a steady diet of Starbucks and minibar treats, and he gained back a few pounds lost on the Gary Gulag diet. So he's on the lookout for a new overly strict diet. A Raw Food diet sounded like just the ticket.
Easy, he explained in the Starbucks, it's all food that is raw.
"Like, raw steak?" I asked.
"No, you just don't eat steak. I guess you could eat steak, but it's mainly vegetarian."
"Sure! Well, without the rice. Whatever that's called. Sashimi?"
"Why can't we eat the rice?"
"It's not raw. You can only eat food that have been heated under 98 degrees or something. That's why we can't have cheese and milk, because the homogenization process heats up the milk."
"So...no Starbucks. At least no cappuccino, because the milk is steamed, too."
"No." (Sadness.) "Oh, wait, we could have soy Starbucks!"
"But coffee is roasted."
"Damn." (Sadness.) "Oh, wait, we can use a French press."
"With green coffee beans." (Does your Starbucks have the Life of a Coffee Bean display? I had no idea.)
"Okay, so we'd drink tea. And I think we can have chocolate. We do have that tub of raw cookie dough in the fridge. And bananas! I could live on nothing but bananas! And I think you can have peanut butter!"
"How? Aren't peanuts roasted?"
"Damn!" (Sadness.) "Oh, wait! That's because they're leguuuuuuumes." (He said it just like that, like he was drunk.) "So, we could have macadamia nuts! And macadamia nut butter!"
"What would we eat it on? We can't have crackers."
"Why no crackers? Oh, yeah, raw foooooooood."
"Can we have butter with the vegetables? Like sweet corn and butter?"
"It's cold corn. Raw fooooooooood."
"So, tree nuts for protein. No raw eggs, because I'm allergic. Because there's no meat, except for Sashimi." And then we began to talk about the quake in Japan, and the radiation leak into the ocean, so that was it for sashimi.
Gary hasn't given up on the Raw Food diet. Instead, he has just made some modifications. First, if a food was never in a raw state, we can eat it, like Diet Rite White Grape Soda. There's no raw alternative to that. We don't have to wear each others blood around our necks like Billy Bob and Angelina. Now he's saying we just eat food that requires no preparation and in that respect, it is raw to us. Like we can't have frozen pizza, but we can have delivery.