In Which I Observe Some Monkeys Being Spanked

I just did something fun that I think every woman should do. It's not something the faint of heart would want to read. That's why it's below the link.

For some time I have been very interested in men who masturbate. "Men who masturbate." Well, that's redundant.

Men in the act of masturbating. Have you seen them? I mean, have you seen them masturbating? And if you have, do they continue, or do they stop? And if you are a woman, have you seen the act from start to finish? I'm thinking that's pretty rare.

I've seen a lot of sex acts, but masturbation is something most men don't let women see. It's disproportionately hard to observe, given how many men allegedly masturbate.  And forget about seeing it in a porn movie.Two lesbians having sex with one man? Never happens in real life; happens in every porn film. One lonely man climaxing, happens daily (probably, I'm guessing), but you never ever see it in a porn film.

So, now that I've reached the exceptional age of 45, I look at sex and say, "Hey, surprise me! Show me something I don't know." Just as I look at food and say, "What haven't I eaten? Elk? What about snakes? Pig snouts!"

Driving home the other day I realized I didn't have to keep sneaking up on my husband trying to catch him; I could go to the internet. And lo, I found a website where you can type in a phrase and see a video of amateurs doing anything.

Here is what I found:

1. No one on that site can spell masturbate correctly.
2. Men, when they masturbate (or, "solo,") are quiet. Women: all moany, big production. Not so men. Men must think they'll get caught.
3. Men who masturbate are all circumcised, at least the 17 I saw.
4. Men all have the same tempo. I thought some would be slow, some would be fast, but it's always the same beats per minute.
5. There two basic moves. First is the old up and down. This is by far the most popular. This is what I expected, only, I didn't expect them to be so rough. I kept shrinking back and saying, "Don't, dude, you'll hurt it." Second move is the sudden detour to the top, in which the man puts his hand over the head and pulls the shaft skin entirely over the tip of the penis. My reaction: "Whoa! Stretchy!"
6. Only one man appeared to be gay.
7. Only two men showed their faces.
8. Only one man "announced." Oh. An orgasm is imminent. Am I supposed to prepare myself? It's a video.
9. Almost every one of the videos delivered the money shot, except for one, bastard.
10. This surprised me: I'd have thought the same tempo would be required throughout the money shot, but it seems at the end there they really slow down, and then they squeeeeeeze out the last little bit. 
11. Then I clap. I clap because they have been so intent and focused. How could you not clap, they accomplished something that looked really difficult. It did seem difficult, but they focused and concentrated, and then "Yay," they produced something. Gotta clap. It's irresistible.

So, a round of applause to those 17 men, for putting it out there.

Comments

[Caroline]

Wow. Um. Wow.

[Erin]

So I just turned in my last paper for college ever. And then I (compulsively) clicked over here. This seems amazingly fitting, for whatever reason. So I clap for them, but also for you.

[Erin]

I apologize for all the so's in that last comment. Packing up my life makes me weird.

[magpie]

You are full of surprises.

[#0.5]

Clapping for the men? Gimme a break. No skill required.

I'll take the moaning and big production any day. Now THAT is impressive and worthy of applause.

[Zayrina]

When women masturbate is it also called spanking the monkey?

[Shania]

Posts like these are why I clap every time I see you in my reader!

[~~Silk]

The link! The link! Hey, you forgot to include the link!

[Christy]

Odd: I have (and should I even admit this) seen several men (boyfriends/husbands) masturbate. Almost always at my request as part of the general sex play. It amazed me really, in the beginning, how WILLING they are to do this.

[ajooja]

I've tried several different things over the years but it always ends up being about the same once I get to a certain point. Nothing like the old "tried and true." :)

[TasterSpoon]

Was this Xtube, perchance? I have to say, I prefer a soundtrack of some kind. X-tube is just all slapping sounds and, as you say, moaning. Also, the dialogue is weak.

#2 doesn't surprise me at all. I assume women are performing for the benefit of their audience, while the men are performing for the benefit of themselves.

#4 is interesting. I wonder if they take similar amounts of time from start to finish.

#11 made me laugh. Do they smile at the end, or is it all business and turning off the camcorder?

[Sherri]

You just were not watching the right kind of porn, my dear. There are too many "man masturbating" films on line to count. Most tend to be on gay oriented sites (I know this because my gay friends like to try to ook out the straight girl. Doesn't work.)

Personally, it's kinda boring to watch as far as I am concerned. Then again, I tend to watch porn for the laughs. Porn films tend toward the unintentionally funny. Those, I like.

I've also been experimenting lately with searching via Yahoo Images with random work combos to see what sets of words WON'T result in a picture of a penis.

[Melissa]

I have seen my husband masturbate several times. He'd probably let you watch, too, if you asked him. He doesn't care.

[Friend #3]

With regard to paragragh 3: Yes. Yes. Sometimes. Yes.

Addendum: The act on the uncircumsized is just revolting.

[Friend #3]

P.S. Which is why I believe a Jewish woman came up (no pun) with the act of circumcision as Jewish law.

[judith]

Hmmm. I know I've seen plenty of examples, because they are parked in my memory. It never crossed my mind that it was all secret and hush-hush. Most men don't seem too shy about flonging their dongs. Maybe I have known different men than you.
BTW, I heard BNL are putting out a CD for their kids. Just so you know, and all.

[yookie]

OK so I've just got to say-- it's so much easier to manipulate an uncircumcised man. I much prefer it, hands down!

[TheQueen]

Caroline - Oh, pah. You act like you've never wondered.
Erin - I only count two "So"s. How should I have punctuated that? You're the college student. And congrats.
Magpie - I am surprised you are surprised.
#0.5 - This does not surprise me.But the men, they work so hard.
Zayrina - As it would appear from my research, yes, especially in Britain.
Shania - Ha! Tell Caroline. She's still acting all shocked.
~~Silk - I think it was "tube" followed by the number eight. I make no promises about viruses, etc.
Charisty - How? I could never get anyone to do it. (Well, emphasis on "one.") And to do it to completetion, that was just laughed at.
ajooja - What about liver? My ex-boyfriend stole a piece of liver that was defrostiong once and used that.
TasterSpoon - Yes. All business. One guy paused, move the camcorder, and finished up into the lens.
Sherri - I am a gay man trapped in a middle-aged woman's body. It is hell.
Melissa - No. That would be wrong, or awkward, or something.
Friend #3 - Revolting WHY? Does the product get trapped under the skin or something?
judith - Yes! I've pre-ordered it.
yookie - (Crowd cheers) Raaaaahhh! Yookie steps up and hits it out of the park! Easier why? There's more skin? Wedding ring doesn't get caught on that little sensitive notch? Why?

[sgazzetti]

"One lonely man climaxing, happens daily..."

How do you know so much about my personal life?

[yookie]

You got it-- it is all about the extra skin. You don't have to pull any of that shaft skin over the head to stimulate it- it's got a cover all it's own you can use. I've also noticed (in my limited experience) that uncircumsized men seem to come much harder and easier than uncircumcised and the head is much more sensitive. However, I am not exactly an expert. ;) And I like the look of a natural one better- it doesn't look like it got in a terrible accident and lost part of itself. An uncut penis just looks like a cut one, except that it has a skin turtleneck pulled up over the head.

(as I giggle like a schoolgirl while I write this - LOL)

[Candy]

And here I am, at my desk in an office. Tease. Guess I'll have to remember to check back at a later hour.

[TheQueen]

sgazzetti - Well, you do have a blog...
yookie - Sigh, I'll never know. Then again, Penn and Teller did have that episode on how to re-foreskin yourself. (Generally, you stretch what;s left with weights.)
Candy - Offices have doors ...

[yookie]

O_o Penn and Teller!

[TheQueen]

They were great in Seasons one and half of two, but then I lost interest.

[Elsa]

Uh...

sgazzetti being my brother, I think I'll just step out of the thread now without deploying the quip I had at the ready. Step out... and shudder.