I had planned to get my tags renewed today. I had planned to get my Celexa refilled today. I did not plan to have a McAngus Burger barrel through my lower GI tract as I drove home. Yet, that is what happened, and I am proud to say I made it. I planned well in advance and unzipped my pants as I entered the subdivision. I parked in the middle of the garage, shut the garage door while in the car so I wouldn't have to pause at the back door, and at the bathroom door in an Olympian gymnastics move pulled down my pants, entered the bathroom heading west, twisted my body while flying through the air to land on the commode pointing south.
The dog stuck his head in the door and warbled. The door, I confess, was ajar. So I let the dog in and pushed the door shut, but not till it latched. The dog loved it. He never goes in the bathroom with us.
"Yay Mac!" I cheered. "Party in the bathroom!"
"Rowwrrorowr!" Mac warbled.
The McAngus took the scenic route, but it couldn't have been more than ten minutes before the dog wanted out of the bathroom.
"Hey. You smell too," I grumbled. He started barking at the closed but unlatched door. "Well, you can nudge it open."
Gary, right outside the door, asked, "Ellen?"
"AUUUGHHH!" I roared and hurled myself at the door, while still keeping my rear on the commode, so essentially I just doubled over and flung my arms out to the side. Gary was home! Gary never comes home at 5:30! Ever! I WOULD HAVE LATCHED THE DOOOOOOOORR!
Gary promised to let the dog out without peeking in. I will never let my guard down again. (I will also never eat a McAngus again. If the cops pull me over tomorrow for having expired plates I'm writing a letter to McDonald's insisting they pay my fine.)
I heard nearly the same story today only substitute an EggMcMuffin and the phrase"I nearly didn't make it."
And no voyeuristic dog.
Posted by: gaoo | July 08, 2009 at 12:21 AM
gaoo - But Egg McMuffins are relatively low in fat. That person needs to work on his or her fat intake. Get the fat tolerance up.
Posted by: TheQueen | July 08, 2009 at 12:52 AM
Greasy foods will get ya ever time.
Posted by: #0.75 | July 08, 2009 at 09:14 AM
Huh. I never even close the bathroom door, much less lock it. But then again, I rarely eat at McDonald's.
Posted by: magpie | July 08, 2009 at 09:22 AM
I must latch and lock the door everytime I enter the bathroom, even if only to brush my teefs. Otherwise, two overgrown labs and a puppy with a special talent for being where you need to step next will push me over into the tub. And then jump in on top of me.
Posted by: Shania | July 08, 2009 at 11:35 AM
That's an impressive bit of aerobatics. I would pay to see that.
Posted by: Big Dot | July 08, 2009 at 09:34 PM
.75 - Wine does too.
Magpie - No closing? I don't even talk to anyone when Im in the bathroom even with the door shut.
Shania - And NEVER let them in - MAC whined and howled outside the bathroom door today!
Big Dot - It's like when mothers get sduperhuman strength and lift cars off of babies. Money would not properly motivate me.
Posted by: TheQueen | July 08, 2009 at 09:41 PM
wine? I've never had any issues with wine.
Wine and burgers? I definitely would not recommend that.
Posted by: #0.75 | July 09, 2009 at 09:52 AM
.75 - Well, no. Unless it's Riverboat Red.
Posted by: TheQueen | July 09, 2009 at 11:51 PM