I took my crotch to the crotch doctor for the monthly swelling and bleeding of the alternating labia. When I apologized for bothering him with a matter obviously not life-or-death, he mentioned Cancer. (CANCER SHOUTOUT NUMBER ONE.) He peered at me and saw the problem.
He drew a picture of my vulva and said, "You have a hole here, at the base of your left labia, and another here, on the other side." I got the impression I am not supposed to have these holes. I nodded. "So," he continued, "We have one option, which is to cut out the base of your labia - "
"And do a biopsy? Do it. Cut everything out."
"Well, we'd only do that if you had vaginal cancer." (CANCER SHOUTOUT THE SECOND.) "OOOoooooorrrr, you use this cream and see if it helps. It's an anti-fungal and anti-inflammatory." Then I was directed to get dressed and wait for my prescription.
Early on I learned that many of my doctors use this time to mutter their notes into some recording device in the hallway, so I always get dressed and stand in the open doorway now. I heard him mumble:
"Swelling inflammation, [mumble] bleeding alternating labia minora," (Eeee! He's talking about me!) "Grade 2 tumor," (Oh, no, must be someone else) "Prescribed anti-inflammatory anti-fungal [mumble]." (Hey, wait, that's me again.)
So, I got the Mycolog II cream, which reportedly smells like "cereal." ("I like Trix," Gary remarked.) Then I went home, found Gary, and what am I to do when the doctor tells me there are holes in my labia. What else does one do but get the digital camera and take a hi-res crotch shot and zoom in on the naughty bits?
Anything. Anything ELSE. DO ANYTHING ELSE.
Because the geography from afar may look healthy, but the close-up is terrifying. I think I saw 20% smooth pink, but the rest was a collection of bumpy twisted purple, dark purple, indigo, white and bruise-yellow. With, amazingly, the tiny wormholes the doctor had mentioned. I only saw one, but it looked precisely like someone had stuck me with the graphite end of a wooden pencil. Just until the lead was buried in the flesh.
"There are microbes living in there," Gary said. "You have a fungus eating those holes in your labia? No. I'm keeping away from it."