I don't watch the Dog Whisperer since I followed his advice and my dog decided to ignore me. Everything I know about dogs I learned from my dogs.
1. If a dog is very concerned about you because you are prone on the bed and sobbing about your heartless husband's treatment of you, said dog will stand on your chest, look concerned, and then barf violently in your face. This will break the tension.
2. If a dog wants you to wake up and clawing at your face does not work, and instead you just roll over on your side, the dog can always resort to puking directly in your ear. It makes for a difficult walk to the bathroom to get the puke out without having it run down the side of your neck, but then at least you are awake. Because you are awake now, you can mop up the pee puddle he made right before he woke you up.
3. If you think you are knowledgeable about male dog organs, and the vet checks your dog for a urinary tract infection, do not SCREAM when he takes the furry dog foreskin and yanks it down revealing a shiny red dog penis. I don't know why, but I think I must have believed that after you neutered a dog, fur grew on the regular dog penis from lack of use. Maybe? (Some things I just don't think about and then I am surprised. The Queen Mother explained when I was 12 that "A man and woman love each other, then the man gets hard, then he puts his penis in the woman." She never explicitly said the man's penis gets hard. I figured "the man gets hard" meant he developed an attitude.)
4. If a dog really loves you he will press his anal glands right up in your face while you are sleeping.
5. Dog love handles can be found directly behind the front legs, in what would correspond to the armpits on a human.
6. If a dog barks angrily and uncontrollably when he's eating, make sure you haven't put the dog bowl directly in front of the black dishwasher, causing the dog to think a black dog with love handles is watching him eat.
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