The Return of the Mormons

Some of you may recall that Gary's Virtually Unknown and Surprisingly Mormon Uncle died this past year. Gary didn't know him that well. He sent his Aunt (Ken's sister) a fruit basket with a thoughtful note: "Have something to eat, you'll feel better." (I swear this is true.)

The  healthy fruit did not make her feel better and she died, ironically, of colon cancer four months later.

I know I sound heartless but Gary didn't have a close relationship with these people (as evidenced by the fact he wasn't clear on the man's name.) Here is the astonishing part: Mormon Uncle and Newly deceased Mormon Aunt? Had no children. Gary thought they did, but he was wrong.

So. Aunt and Uncle have died childless. This happened a few months ago, and Gary came home one day from his parents saying that they saying his Dad and surviving sister were going to split the "Estate."

"Estate!" I snorted, "What did he do?"
"He was a college professor."
"Oh, so that would be ... hmmmm... two grand split two ways?"
"No, he had a PhD. He wrote books!"
"So half a grand split two ways?" I mocked, because that's how I am. Gary's family is Lower Middle Class, and I am Upper Middle Class. This is just a statement of fact. That's how our family dynamic is.

Of course, the last few months I have had many opportunities to roll my eyes about the S______ Estate. Ken decided to take his half and split it into quarters, with one part for him and one part each for his three kids. "Hmm, so $500 split four ways..."

In fact, it was so inconsequential I didn't even blog it. I figured I would wait until the will came and then I'd have a great ending for a post. "Stupid in-laws! Getting all excited about an estate of ..."

Uh... what does that will say? Can I see that again?

Imagine a VERY Big Number. Big. So big it would be tasteless to enter it into a blog post.  Now double it. Two of them. Ken gets one.

The first thing Gary said was (after the Profanities of Delight, very non-LDS of him) "I could invest in Gold." People, I swear to you just this weekend Mom said to me: "Don't listen to people who tell you to invest in gold." I told this to Gary. "Oh, come on," Gary scoffed. "Gold is a great investment." "Mom?" I said to the ceiling, "Mom, I can just hear you!" I pointed at my head. "I can hear her in my head, telling me not to listen to you." I tried to tell him, Mom. Oh, and Mom? That suggestion we keep separate bank accounts? Not such a good idea now.

SO, I unjustly ridiculed my in-laws for counting the golden geese before they were hatched. I am an asssssssss. Feel free to ridicule me. 

Gary has already begun to mock me.

Money changes everyone.

Comments

[Vaguely Urban]

And this after tithing 10%? A strong argument in favor of NO KIDS, fer sure!

Congrats on your windfall. Make sure you do something fun with part of it. As Uncle What's His Name and Newly Deceased Aunt would tell you if they weren't dead, you can't take it with you.

[Becs]

You are not an ass. But Gary is if he invests his windfall in gold. Honestly. (Rolls eyes.) Your mom is right.

[Autumn]

Still hilarious.

[Caroline]

How many out-of-town BNL concerts does this mean?

[TheQueen]

Vaguely - I don't think they tithed. As it turns out, he was divorced (which I understand is scandal among Mormons, given they are married for eternity, and it would mean ruling the planet together might be awkward). So he was probably a "Jack" Mormon.

Becs - Mom is usually right, and often right even before the issues come up.

Autumn - still sweet!

Caroline - How far away is Ohio? They'll be in Cleveland this summer.

[Vaguely Urban]

Are they Lessons for the next Book of Mormon study group or what? I mean, they don't tithe, they get divorced, and what happens to them? THEY DIE! QED.

[Caroline]

Cleveland is less than an hour's flight away. When I traveled there frequently (1999-2001), you could get there on TWA, Southwest, and Continental. Avoid the Harley Hotel at all costs.