Gary Gulag Diet

You may be curious about the Gary Gulag Diet. This is the diet, created by Gary, that he used to lose 130 pounds. He gained 20 back, and since I am a behemoth and don't even notice my massive thighs because my upper body fat now balances out my lower body, I have joined him.

The rules are very very complex. Do not attempt this unless you under the care of a Gary.

Phase 1

Breakfast: Skip breakfast

Lunch: A small amount of food, for example, 1 container of mac and cheese (220 cals, 4.4 grams of fat).

Dinner:

Dinner at home: Chips and dip. As much as you want. Macadamias and cashews. As much as you want.

Dinner out: Either split a plate or only eat a small percentage of the food they give you.

Snacks: Fruit? None! It is BAD FOR YOU! (Carbs.) Chips are fine. And, any food at work that is lying around free is good for you.

Those are the rules for Phase 1. You don't lose any weight on Phase 1. You do shrink your stomach. You are supposed to get a natural high out of the constant feeling of hunger. I suppose because your brain cells are dying.

We just started Phase 2 today.

Phase 2:
Breakfast: Not even coffee.
Lunch: A tomato. Possibly sushi. Maybe a smoothie. Probably not Mac & Cheese, but I haven't asked.
Dinner: a Turkey sandwich every FREAKING night for the rest of your FREAKING life. No condiments. Pepperidge Farm Thin Bread, as much turkey as you want, and some swiss cheese.
Snacks: Ha! Unless it's free food at work.

Phase 3:
Same as the above, but no Swiss Cheese on the sandwich.

Phase 4:
Same as the above, but only eat half a sandwich.

"Oh no!" you say, "those aren't enough calories. Your body will go into starvation mode."
Doctor Gary says, "For a while, but eventually it gives up and actually starves. How did the Ethiopians look after they were in starvation mode for a while? Pretty skinny."

(As always, consult with your Gary before starting this or any other diet program.)

Comments

[Becs]

Aha. It is now crystal clear that Gary sometimes says, um, odd things because he has both beri-beri and scurvy. And probably rickets, too.

I'm about to embark on the Becs diet - bowl of cereal for breakfast, with lunch and dinner of a salad, piece of fruit, and frozen Healthy Choice type thingy. It works, too. And won't make your teeth fall out.

[christy]

I"m on the Xenical and Lean Pocket diet. Which means, I eat nothing for breakfast, a Lean Pocket for lunch, and a huge freaking bowl of pasta in a light sauce of some sort covered in a half a can (or bag) of parmesan cheese, eaten with a Xenical on the side.

But, that's not why I'm here. I just wanted to congratulate you on being the RFT's Blogger of the Week.

[sue]

Yikes.

[Caroline]

What kind of free food would you like for us to arrange to have sitting around?

[Autumn]

Is one allowed sugarless gum on said diet? Because I can't find my favorite gum ANYWHERE anymore.

[Sherri]

I'll just maintain my behemoth status and eat my fruit and vegies. I don't think I can manage the sort of brain damage that diet causes (in just trying to grasp the logic of it. There is some, I can tell, but I don't live in that particular dimension.)

Did he mention the other stuff that happened to those skinny Ethiopians? Like the dying part? Just checking.

[TasterSpoon]

Whatever happened to good old coffee and cigarettes?

I'll have to do a post on my boiled carrot diet one of these days.

[Kathy]

I once went on a diet where I ate nothing but pickles, blue Kool-Aid, and corn chips dipped in peanut butter for an entire summer. Worked splendidly, but I was sixteen and didn't care that I was on the verge of collapse most of my waking hours.

Echoing Christy, congrats on getting blog of the week.

[Carrie]

This diet is unfathomable to me. I would go on a killing spree after five days. My roommate is currently on this diet where all he eats are sprouted grain tortillas, hummus, spinach, soy taco meat, granny smith apples and almonds. No, I don't know where he came up with it.

Boys are weird.

[TheQueen]

Becs – I think Gary thinks that if we take a multi-vitamin a day that will ward off the scurvy. Your diet sounds better.
Christy – I am so lame I went out and got five copies.
Sue – Yikes? Gary says “We haven’t even got to ‘yikes,’ yet. I had A WHOLE SANDWICH today!”
Caroline – Today was pretty great with the Cheetoes – Cheeti? What did we decide?
Autumn – Right now the man has SIX (six! 6!) sticks of (SIX! I swear!) Extra Green Apple gum in his face. He sounds like a barnyard animal. What’s your favorite gum? Is it Fruit Stripe? You know that’s Jesus’ favorite. Maybe he hogged it all. Check his blog: http://jesuschristscoolblog.blogspot.com/
Sherri - Yeah, it's like he's a little anorexic, isn’t it? I’ll make sure he doesn’t die. He claims, “Oh, we could live off our fat for months!”
TasterSpoon - Coffee, Cigarettes and Cocaine - the original Kirstie Alley diet.
Kathy - You should get with Hot Mom, she did much the same one summer. But it was Cheese Popcorn for her, not Fritos. And retro congrats to you – I follow in your footsteps.
Carrie - Man! There's no dairy there. Is he lactose - intolerant? Is he perhaps a member of a new-Nazi Soy Supremacy Anti- Lactose Hate Group?

[KC]

Not sure, but your RFT blog o' the week might be my fault for pointing out your funny stuff to my husband. Hope you won't like me any less because of it, Your Highness.

[Carrie]

He's not, but I am going to start one of those groups immediately. Lactose Haters, unite!

[Sherri]

Hey, don't dis the lactose! Some of us will DIE without ICE CREAM.

[TheQueen]

KC – I assumed it was because of that! And I have checked the RFT every week since last fall looking for my blog.
Carrie – We could have t-shirts. “Hate Milk?”
Sherri – Ice cream dependence is a scary thing. I’ve had that monkey on my back.