Birthday Gift

Today we celebrated my birthday at the S______s. (Remember, before you grant any birthday wishes, the in-laws assume that if you are celebrating in the same season as the date of birth you are in the ballpark. My birthday isn't till well into August.)

I got the BEST gift!

Matching boy and girl Butter people! Check it OUT!

They Butter Corn! "We Butter Corn!" it screams on the box. "But How?" you cry.

First, you decapitate them, then you remove the rectal plug, then you violate them with butter. Allow me to demonstrate on Butter Boy. It's a little blurry, he must have been moving.

Then, you push the plug upward. Yes, just like Butter Deodorant!

Then, you butter corn with it. For some reason, there are two, in case you have a gender preference, or need to butter corn with both hands.

Or, alternatively, you can violate the Butter Person of the Opposite Sex, like this:

Or, like this:

So, usually I am gracious when I get in-law gifts. I was speechless. I couldn't think of a thing to say, except, "Why do you think I need butter deodorant?"

Karen: "It butters corn!"

Me: "Uh. Huh."

Wilma: "Well, if you don't like it, I'll take it! We have corn all the time! You can re-gift it at Christmas!"

Well, okay, then, maybe I will. As they say on eBay, they were only "Lightly Used."

Comments

I'm such an idiot. I always used a slice of bread to butter my corn.

I really must keep up on the technology.

[TheQueen]

- Welcome, nameless person with distinct IP address. It's almost 3 am. I am up. Why, you ask? I am searching the internet trying to find the movie scene I saw that in. Guy walks to table, guy hurls self in chair, slathers butter on bread and twirls an ear of corn on it. What is that from? Gah!

[Jammies]

Must have been someone searching for butter people porn.

You're gonna get lots of lovely weird hits from this. :)

[Becs]

There are times I'm glad that I have no relatives. I no longer have to endure weird and useless presents, especially hideous porcelain cats from my mother.

[ajooja]

Nothing reminds me of junior high than hearing the phrase "hot buttered corn." :D

Old joke.

[Zayrina]

Sorry about my nameless comment. I changed browsers and seemed to have tossed my cookies, as it were.

[Rachelskirts]

We have these boring little corn-buttering things that my parents seemed to have acquired roughly thirty years ago. (They look something like this -- http://tinyurl.com/2gevfo -- but with an added piece on top to push the butter through to the corn.) I'm a little envious that yours are so much more festive than ours. Plus, you get to violate little toy dolls with butter! And collect Google hits from people who enjoy that sort of thing! How much more could you ask for in a birthday present?

[Caroline]

Hey, those kind of match my Fiesta Ware!

Please keep them handy for a girls' night. The theme can be "butter me" and we can serve only items which can be buttered. Plus corn puffs, of course.

[Friend #3]

You can find a corncob-buttered-using-bread scene early in the movie "War Games", only it's Matthew Broderick's character's dad.

And yes, the next GNO needs to include a re-enactment of Butter Boy and Butter Girl shagging like bunnies.

[TheQueen]

Jammies – I keep thinking there must be some sexual application for these that I’m missing. I was afraid to Google “Butter Boy” when I checked to see if these really were for buttering corn.
Becs – I also got an Italian dipping oil set, because you know we always make some fresh Italian bread to go with our freezer-burnt meatballs. It made no sense.
ajooja – So, if you went to public school you probably made that joke twice a week. That’s how often I remember having hot buttered corn.
Zayrina – Anonymity can be a good thing. I did wake up and say “Witness!” I’m convinced that’s where I saw that technique.
Rachelskirts – Those are amazing! Buttered bread, butter applicators: why don’t people just spear the butter pat with the knife, scribble it on the corn till it falls off, then twirl the corn through the puddle of melted butter? Is that so hard? I also read you can melt butter in hot water, then dip the corn in the water. When the ear is extracted, only the butter sticks to the corn. Sheesh! Knife, melt, and twirl.
Caroline - I’ll be interested to see who gets more action, Butter Boy or Butter Girl. I can’t think of anything else they could appropriately butter, because they have a corn-shaped hollow there in the neck.
Friend #3 – maybe they could invite the deodorant and have a three-way.

[sue]

We just use the squirt butter for corn... but these look waaay more fun!

[KC]

OMG, those are so funny! Why on earth would you ever want to sell them on ebay? I think everytime the in-laws come for dinner you absolutely must serve corn on the cob so they will have to use these darling little butter people.

Speaking on corn on the cob.... my husband refuses to use those little barbed handles at each end. He would rather get his hands all messy. I would rather look silly holding my corn with the handles. Silly, but not messy.

[Caroline]

For some reason as I glanced at this again, I read it as "burfday." I guess maybe because that's how my MIL says it. And she puts quotation marks around my name, like that's just what I call myself. "Happy Birthday!" "Caroline"

You know, if it's really your birthday and if you're really Caroline.

[TheQueen]

Sue - I think I would overuse the squirt butter. I'd butter cereal, choclate ice cream, everything.
KC - Oh, I love the little corn handles. I wonder if they have them in sterling silver. That's more my speed. But they'd have to be silver AND look like little tiny ears of corn.
"Caroline" - If you are indeed Caroline.

[TasterSpoon]

My family was all about efficiency. Lay the stick of butter on its side, preferably in a green corn husk-shaped plastic dish, place cob on top and roll once. Done. Pass the butter, hurry up, my corn is getting cold.

[TheQueen]

TasterSpoon - I think you just made sense of the Butter People for me. You can NOT let the corn touch the butter directly if it is to be used for other purposes. Ever!

Now, if it's a special corn stick of butter, reserved only for corn, that's okay. There. I just made a new dietary restriction! Go me!

[Hot Mom]

So happy to finally be catching up.

The heathens would love these. Please don't regift them to me. I don't think I'll ever butter corn the same way again.

[TheQueen]

Hot mom - I would be concerned the heathens would butter the walls and the table legs.

[snowy]

i just received a butter boy this weekend as a gift from my in-laws. it made me think of you, and this post. =)

[TheQueen]

snowy - Ha! Don't forget to take off his little bandanna before you wash him.