Preface: Here is a conversation I had earlier with some "friends." Specifically, Friend #2 (Libby, aka Hot Mom), Friend #3 (Marcia, aka Marcia Cohen), and Friend #4 (Caroline aka Carolyn). I'm not calling them by their assigned Friend numbers, I'm calling them by their given names in this transcript. I transcribe, you decide.
Marcia: "Ellen, did you tell them" (gestures at others) "what you told me about your new medicine?"
Caroline: (With an expression of concern) "What happened?"
Ellen: "Well, it's no big deal. You know I've got this new MS medicine, Copaxone. I was in the hotel in Kansas City and I gave myself my shot, and pulled out the needle, and I couldn't breathe. So I staggered into the hotel room, and lay on the bed, and then I got very red and my back spasmed, so I fell on the floor. And Gary was running around yelling that I needed a doctor, but it was exactly the type of side effect they describe in the Copaxone brochure. And it was over in 15 minutes or so."
Caroline: "That sounds scary."
Me: "Well, it would have been, except I knew it was the side effect. They say 10% of the people who take Copaxone have it."
Marcia: "Listen carefully. Nine. One. One."
Libby: "Yes, you should have called the hotel doctor."
Me: "Why? They would tell me it was a side effect of the medicine. Besides, that one wasn't so bad. It was what happened night before last that was bad."
Marcia: "You mean when you almost died?"
Caroline/Libby: "What?"
Marcia: (laughing) "Because you don't know about 911?"
Me: "Shut up." (To Caroline and Libby, who still appear to be sympathetic.) "Okay, so I gave myself my shot at home, then I started to feel flushed, then I had trouble breathing again, so I lay down." (Marcia at this point is giggling, which makes Libby giggle.) "Then I started puking. Gary said I was puking 'violently,' but Gary's never seen anyone puke before, so he isn't a good judge -"
Libby: "Wait. He's never seen someone puke?"
Ellen: "Well, he doesn't puke, because he was born with an extra-long uvula and it rested on his gag reflex and dulled it. So he doesn't puke, and I try to avoid puking right in front of him -- why are you laughing?"
Libby: "Thank God you never had children." (Caroline and Marcia are just amused because I said 'gag reflex.')
Me: "Okay, well, not only did he see me puke, for some reason I peed on myself every time I puked." (Everyone laughs at this unsympathetically.) "So after I stopped puking in the bowl and peeing on myself I started having chills, so I sent Gary away and just lay there a while. With the dog. Mac was sweet, except he kept putting his paw on my windpipe."
Marcia: (snorting) "He was trying to tap out Nine...One...One..."
Libby: (snorting) "He was saying 'Don't die! Don't leave me with the man who makes the Cone of Food!'"
Me: (turning to Caroline, who at least has the grace to appear to look concerned) "So, I was having these violent chills, and I was hugging myself, and I didn't realize it but laying down makes it harder to breathe. Just so you know, if you ever have trouble breathing you shouldn't lie down, you should get into a comfortable seated position." (Caroline nods solemnly.) "Anyway, when Gary came back in after about fifteen minutes of this, I took my hands out from under the covers and they were this weird color of gray-blue. I thought, 'Oh, I hope Gary doesn't notice that,' but then Gary screamed 'Your lips! Your lips are blue!'"
Marcia: "This is hysterical!"
Libby: "Oh, what if she had called 911? They would come and say 'You are cyanotic,' and she'd say, 'No, it says in the drug information booklet, 'The drug may cause cyanosis. See? It's right there!'"
Caroline: "Hahahahahahaha"
Marcia: "Her last words, 'No, I know what this is, it's a side effe - gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh...'"
Caroline: "HAHAHhahahahHAHAHA"
Libby: "HAHahahhaHAHAHHA"
Me: "Are you through?"
Marcia: "What do you have against 911?"
Me: "Okay fine, if my hands had stayed blue I might have called them. But Gary held me so I was sitting straight up, except I was kind of jackknifed in bed because he also put my feet up because he said I was in shock."
Libby: (doubled over with laughter) "A 'comfortable seated position.'"
Me: "Look, I was able to breathe and I turned pink again" (this was met with much laughter) "and the chills stopped. Then in an hour my fever was down, and the next day I couldn't quite feel my hands. But they're better now."
Marcia: (laughing) "'Side effects: May cause death and loss of hands.'"
Caroline: (laughing) "So, did you call your doctor?"
Marcia: (laughing) "No, that's like calling 911."
Me: "Shut up, you know I called my doctor. But I called the Copaxone people too. They said it sounded like the classic injection reaction that ten percent have - "
Marcia: "Oh, you mean the ten percent who die?"
Me: "No, no one dies. Because the Copaxone nurse said they only have the reaction once - "
Libby: "Yeah, because they die!"
Me: "Seriously, they said it's rare to have the reaction twice" (I just ignored the 'Dead people can't take shots' this time) "and that my reaction was particularly violent. So, I shouldn't take the Copaxone till I talk to my doctor."
Everyone: "No! Get out! No, really? AhahahahahahHAHAHAHHA."
Me: "And then I talked to my doctor, and I got as far as 'blue' and he said, 'Yeah. This is not the drug for you.'"
Epilogue: So, I get to be drug free for the next two weeks, then the doctor wants to decide what to do next. I'm guessing it's on to Rebif, or else I'm flying without a net, since Tysrabi is really for more advanced cases. Hey! Maybe I'll have an exacerbation! That would amuse Marcia, Libby and Caroline to no end, I am sure.
You know the saying - that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Apparently doesn't apply to MS or its meds, does it? Ugh. I hear tequila can pink you back up faster than 911. I totally would pour a shot past your blue lips, just, you know, to help, AND be sympathetic to your story. Although, you kind of lost me at "extra-long uvula".
Posted by: Jenny | August 29, 2007 at 09:35 PM
Actually, if it gets as bad as having to endure chemo as a means to control Primary Progressive, we'll take it on the road as a comedy act. I'll bring the Depends.
Posted by: Friend #3 | August 29, 2007 at 10:15 PM
Damn, girl, you're making my giant-bee-sting site reactions to the Copaxone look good!
I'm totally one of the don't-call-911 club. They just haul you to the hospital and keep you uncomfortable for hours instead of the one hour of misery you'd have at home.
*hugs* I hope your doc tries the Rebif.
Posted by: Jammies | August 30, 2007 at 05:42 AM
I can think of no one else who makes a "near death experience" sound so hilarious. I'm trying to be all serious, 'cause, well, you know, it IS serious...but damn! I can't stop giggling! Stop it. Stop. Now.
Free medicine does not make it work any better. :)
Posted by: sue | August 30, 2007 at 09:06 AM
I laughed. I tittered. I giggled. I may have even guffawed.
I don't belive I snorted.
Posted by: Hot Mom | August 30, 2007 at 09:22 AM
Er, I'm with Marcia. She would rank as Friend #1 in my book, especially if she would go along to the ER and scream at people on my behalf. Especially when I'm turning blue.
Posted by: Becs | August 30, 2007 at 09:33 AM
This is one of those times when you're telling yourself, don't laugh, you'll rot in hell, and you just keep snorting to yourself. Sorry about the bad reaction, superglad you didn't die, super glad, your sense of humor is so similar to mine!
Posted by: Angie | August 30, 2007 at 09:56 AM
You make me sound so much more sympathetic than I was really being. Did I get the nice edit for sharing my story?
Posted by: Caroline | August 30, 2007 at 12:56 PM
btw - someday can I be on your blogroll? Pretty please?
Posted by: sue | August 30, 2007 at 02:22 PM
Jenny - You know what they say, "big uvula, big..."
Friend #3 - You do add the humor, my friend. By the way, we drank the beer and winecoolers from the picnic tonight, then we rinsed the cans and bottles and dried them in your recyclables drying station.
Jammies - Yeah, the Copaxone people felt so bad about it they sent me a day planner.
sue - The ironic thing is, when I first mentioned it to the Friends #1-3, I said it was depressing and not worth talking about. I didn't realize they would heckle me.
Hot Mom - I told Marcia you'd correct me.
Becs - Marcia's plan was to have the paramedics come by and give me a little oxygen in the comfort of my bed. She is deranged.
Angie - Rot in hell! Snorter.
Caroline - Oh, you mean the story when you were in the downward facing dog position in the shower simultaneously puking and peeing? No, I thought that might embarrass you.
sue - I swear I put you there! Like, a week ago. Anyway, I did it again. Now I don't have to go to favorites for you.
Posted by: TheQueen | August 31, 2007 at 12:19 AM
YAY!
Posted by: sue | August 31, 2007 at 09:50 AM
You guys drank alcohol? While I washed my dog's crappy ass then sat through a contentious, two-hour condo meeting? That is totally not fair.
Posted by: Friend #3 | August 31, 2007 at 04:29 PM
I think I paid for that dayplanner--go to the June 2006 archive in my blog and look for "NastyGram Du Jour." I hate Teva NeuroScience with a passion.
Profiteers.
Posted by: Jammies | August 31, 2007 at 09:44 PM
Sue - sorry it was so belated: I thought I'd done it.
Friend #3 - Oh, we drank and we danced. DANCED.
Jammies - Hey! You were just at the ER! And I loved your rant against Teva. Yep, that is a pretty pricey dayplanner. They gave me another package today.
Posted by: TheQueen | August 31, 2007 at 11:27 PM
I hate you all.
Posted by: Friend #3 | September 01, 2007 at 12:56 PM