What Not To Wear

Gary and I went clothes shopping Wednesday. Lately my trips out to get clothing have been disastrous. I'm on the cusp between normal and plus-size. If I shop in a normal store nothing fits, but Lane Bryant and Avenue don't sell clothing with waists so I look like a box with legs. Legs and BOOBS because all the necklines are so low I could step into the blouse and pull it up over my hips to get it on.

And you know Reverend Gary doesn't like the Boobage. But we were on the way to the Borders at the Mall to pick up that Neko Case CD (thanks, all) and I took a detour into Dillards.

Dillards sells this size called 1X! Big enough that you can be a Big Earthy Wummun like me, but designed with waists! I never would have looked at 1X clothing, but I saw Ralph Lauren on the tag, and  Ample Saleswoman estimated my size at 1x on top and 2x on bottom. And then I kicked her teeth in. Well, I wanted to. What happened to vanity sizes? What about "You're a 1X, but Ralph Lauren calls that XL?" Wait. What if I AM a 2X and Ralph is just soothing my vanity?

At any rate, Gary bonded with Ample Saleswoman and they hustled around for hours getting me clothes to try on. I just whipped clothes on and off and listened to them quarrel.

Gary: "Let's give her this" (holding up square boxy plaid waist-free polyester abomination).
A.S: "Absolutely not."
Gary: "Why not?"
A.S: "Because she isn't ninety. She'll like this" (holding up salmon sweater with starched sleeves).
Gary: "No, that's too starched. Ellen's more rumpled."

OF COURSE I loved everything A.S. brought out. She brought out things with Empire waists. Did you know it's pronounced "Ahm-peer waist?" And the black Empire waist fit better in a 2X and I didn't care.

I was crawling out of outfit #253 when I comforted myself with the thought, "Even when I was 115, there were still clothes that made my rear look huge. Get over it already." I called out to Gary:

"Hey? When can I stop caring about my weight? Like, if I'm 50, can I just be fat already?"
"No! My Mom's eighty and she still goes on diets if she gets a little plump."

Screw that. I embrace my 1X self. Well, I would, but my upper arms are too fat.

About that time A.S.'s arm snaked into the dressing room and handed me this in red 1X:

I tried it on and lost 40 pounds. It's a magic shirt. I walked back out and said "Give me every color." And most of the colors were on major sale. It was such a good shopping experience I gave Dillards $300.00 and I gave A.S. a hug. Clearly I need her along on all shopping trips to slap Gary down.

Comments

[Caroline]

Did you get A.S.'s name? I might have to visit her. She sounds amazing.

And the salmon sweater looked great yesterday. Young but not brazen, starched but not stiff, colorful but not garish. Really, really great.

[TheQueen]

Caroline - I looked on the receipt but it doesn't say. I accidentally bought the 1X and 2X black am-peer waist, maybe I'll return it next Weds and see if she's there.

[Sherri]

Sorry. Lane Bryant does sell clothes with waists. I own them. There are only three. Of course, the last time I weight 115 lbs, I was...9. Yeah.

However, my few trips through Dillards were...useless. In Florida, they are for the over 60 set. I can't wear that much synthetic.

Coldwater Creek is one of those stores that torments me. They make 1x, 2x, 3x, but I can't quite figure out what that means. Some of my favorite pants came from there, but their shirts never seem to fit right. And they are far too pricey. If I spend $75 for a plain cotton blouse, it had been come with $45 in the pocket.

As for "empire", I suspect that's one of those tricks to keep the peasants out of the higher rent stores.

[TheQueen]

Sherri - I know! Coldwater Creek! I go there and it seems like everything was made for me - until I go into the fitting room. Dom't even get me started on Kohls. Every time I ask "Where did you get that?" The Answer is "Kohls." I go there and can find nothing, plus anything I try on is disastrous. And you do have to hunt through the polyester to find something "trendy" at Dillards. That's what A.S. called it. Maybe it's code.

[Kathy]

I have that magic shirt! The magic it works on me is giving me something resembling cleavage.

[Sarah]

I found a magic shirt from Gap two years ago. I too bought one in every single color (I don't know if you're exaggerating, but I really did...and I bought three in black). I spent like $400 I believe on these magic shirts. Two years later, I'm down to the sea foam green, the fuschia and beige and they are so over washed that they feel like Kleenex with a little elastic.

I have been working hard for 8 hours a day more or less for the past three weeks trying to find the damn shirts on eBay. I'm thinking of writing to the CEO of Gap.

[KC]

I want that magic shirt! Were there any left after you bought each color? I need it. Really, really need it.

[TheQueen]

Kathy - See? It is magic! Gary says he can't see my cleavage in that shirt. It's like the Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants That Fit Every One Of Those Girls Perfectly.
Sarah - One in every color available in XL -red, brown and white. Yes - you know, I should buy some extras in red brown and white, because what if they do get worn out?
KC - Well, none at the Mid-rivers Dillards. But my guess is that you live in the city. Do they sell XL in the city? Or is it just in Saint Charles where we have Sonic?

[judith]

Coldwater Creek makes a lovely catalog, but their clothes? Don't fit right and cost a ton. Sometimes I think they charge huge amounts for their clothes to convince people how cool they are. They're, "made cheap", so really it's like the Emperor's new clothes. It's all smoke and mirrors!
I, too, am a 1X- (sometimes a 2X), and I find that Macy's has clothes that sometimes work out. In fact, any major dept. store has a "section" for us. T.J. Maxx, Ross and Marshall's do,too. You gotta pick & choose. What I find amazing are the acres of "petites". God, can there be that many of them that they have to take up half the store with their little, bitty outfits?,
BTW-once again I bow to you Queen. If I took my hubbard with me, we'd have WWIII!

[sue]

Lovely.

[tasterspoon]

VU taught me how to pronounce "empire" just a few years ago. She didn't know she was teaching me, because I'd never said it out loud. Oh gosh, at least I hope not.

I, too, wonder where all the petites are hiding. Their section is always deserted.

[TheQueen]

Judith - I know! I always spot the very thing I want, then find the "petite" in the small print. But, bear in mind they are getting screwed on the money to material ratio.
Sue - I wish it was in green and in 1X, but I think they feel we big girls wouldn't want to draw that much attention. Boo.
Tasterspoon - But it's only "Ahm-peer" when you are talking about waists, right. I mean, my new CD isn't by "The Cat Ahm-peer."

[Rachelskirts]

Isn't it the best feeling in the world when you finally find that outfit that makes all those "trouble spots" melt away? I just got back from an excursion to New York & Co. (quite possibly my favorite clothing store on the planet) where I found all sorts of fun new clothes for work. I'm super psyched! Pathetically, the best part about shopping there for me is that their sizes run large, so I can still fit into "the same size" that I wore three years ago. It's just an added bonus that the clothes are cute and would be approved by Stacy and Clinton of "What Not to Wear."

P.S. You know that thing about "the freshman fifteen"? Well, apparently, if you switch majors a lot and wind up being a freshman for three years in a row, you get to gain flab EACH TIME. Cool, huh? Makes shopping for clothes a regular blasty-blast. :\

[TheQueen]

Rachelskirts - It's like Stacy and Clinton RUN New York and Co. I can hear them say "Wrap around V-neck top that skims your belly" and "flat front pants." Still, I love the British version best. So much warmer and less snippy.

[Rachelskirts]

I really need to watch the British version. Everyone tells me I'm missing out. :\

[TheQueen]

Rachelskirts - Trinny and Susannah have a less contemptuous attitude. I would prefer to shop with them.

[Melissa]

Hey, I was just watching Tim Gunn's Guide to Style and he pronounced the word "Em Pyre". If Tim Gunn doesn't know how to pronounce it, who does?

[TheQueen]

Melissa - Okay, that seals it. I'm with Tim.

[Marriage-101]

I LOVE that shirt. I needs to get me one. Or five.

[TheQueen]

Marriage-101 - I'm telling you, it's a great shirt. Somehow the fudge one is more revealing than the red one, though.