Friend #2 intermittently has "Orange Week." And by intermittently I mean every 28 days. Or, to be clear, every time her uterus sheds its lining. I don't want to be coy.
Friend #3 goes "Bowling." Bowling requires some explanation. We had the Educational Archives Lunch Box Set at a girl's night out. You should check it out, because it's a compilation of all those bad, bad educational filmstrips and movies you saw in high school. And that includes the Kotex Production of It's Wonderful Being a Girl, in which our heroine learns that you can still have fun AND have your period as long you "take it easy." "No, sweetie, you can't go swimming with the giant rat mattress between your thighs, but bowling is fun!" (Cut to our heroine bowling with a decidedly resigned air, as if to say, "Shit, I hate my period, but it's a beautiful and wonderful part of being a woman. And it's so easy to bowl wearing Kotex!")
Given that there is so little lining left in my uterus, you would think this would be a non-issue for me. However, today when I had a fistful of Doritos in one hand and a tiny Mr. Goodbar in the other it occurred to me: this is the week I would have a period if I had any uterine lining left! It's white pill week! That's why I hate you all with the searing force of a laid-off alcoholic neo-Nazi who was sexually abused as a child! I'm not really a bad person! I'm just a moron!
I think I need my own version of those medical diagnosis flowcharts: Are you a bitch? If yes, do chocolate covered potato chips sound good? If yes, do you want all your co-workers to die? If yes, has this happened in the last 28 days?
Better yet, I need a cool euphemism just for myself like Friends 2 through 3 have. For those Special Days when I need that chocolate-salt combo. Pretzel Flipz. Chocolate sundae with buttered salted pecans at Oberweis Dairy. A croissant split in half, fried in butter, and a Hershey's bar sandwiched between (I'm doing it, I swear. A Grilled Chocolate sandwich.)
Oh, that gives me an idea! I think I've found my euphemism. "Chef Week," in honor of Chef's Chocolate Salty Balls: