Ellemon

Well, the Pussy Pancreas decided to be all shy during the second CAT Scan, and disguise the cyst in some way so that results were inconclusive. (Hai! I R Toiying wid U like a mouse!) However, the trial continues apace, and I have the ophthalmologist and the MRI yet to do tomorrow.

I have a great hate on for this pancreatic cyst, yet it still doesn't even come close being the worst cyst of my life. You know how my family looks to the Discovery Health Channel for consolation when things seem bad? ("Are you feeling sorry for yourself? Yes, okay, but are you a Little Person? No? You could be a Little Person with a cyst, you whiner.") However, I am away from the TV tonight so I cannot console myself with TV shows about Little People Who Have It Worse Than I, or Some Woman Who Evidently Has Twins AND Sextuplets. Instead I will take this moment to remember cysts I have known, including the Worst Cyst of My Life.

Men? Run. If you value the happy little Land of Labia in your mind Bob Guccione has built for you in which all the nethers are pink and perfect, then exit. Women, if you are strong, join the Cysterhood and belly up for ...

The Tale of the Labial Cyst I Had THE Size of A LEMON I Sweartogawd

(Oh, yes. Yes I will go there. At the end of this tale you'll be all, "Oh, yeah, cysts on your pancreas are nothing.")

So one Friday I was taking a class along with my co-workers, and I noticed after noon it was a little uncomfortable to sit. I shifted around for an hour until I took to sitting on my foot and thus elevating my pudenda off the chair. At three o'clock I went to my boss and told him I was taking off for an emergency doctors visit. I did not explain why, even when he asked if I was okay.

Technically, since all the doctors were off that lovely Friday afternoon, I saw the nursing staff. One might have been a nurse practitioner. All I know is they had me assume the position and peered at my mysteries.

"Oh, that's a cyst. Lower Left Quadrant." I don't know if they said "left," but that is where it was, and it had such substance by this time that if they'd said it had hair and teeth and a face I would not have been surprised. They also said something about "Bartholin's Gland."

Now, if you want a very clear image of what was going on down there, you COULD Google "Bartholin's Gland Cyst," then click Images, then never have sex again. I would have given you a link, but I thought Gary might click it on his Blackberry and become impotent immediately. So, in lieu of an image, I'll just say if you somehow had access to my labia, and if you could somehow slide a lemon right under the skin as you do with turkey stuffing, and position the lemon under my labia right by my delicate winking pink anus, then you would get an idea of how it looked.

Hm, you say, how does she know how it looked? Didn't they get rid of it at the doctors office? No, they said, you'll have to wait until Monday when all the doctors are back.

I believe my face said, "Oh hell no I won't. Get this monster off of me. "

She drawled, "If you thought you could, I suppose you could express it yourself." Well. Slap me in the face with the glove. I did indeed believe I could express it myself, thankyou. She recommended a long sit on the couch on top of a heating pad wrapped in a towel. And, sometime Sunday, I was very glad for the towel, because we had a white couch at the time. The "self-expression" lasted only a moment, yet that cyst had been so significant I didn't sit normally for a week due to phantom pain.

Why did I bring this up? I remember on the Barenaked Cruise Message Board I brought this up because men were posting inappropriately to the "Girl Talk" thread and I imagined this might make them go away. Instead, one wag commented, "Why did they say the doctor could express it if it wouldn't be until Monday?" (I remember this in particular because I didn't get that joke for a month.  Then when I was standing in line somewhere I thought, "Oh! Express! Ahahahaha")

I remember, that's why I brought it up, I was reviewing evil cysts I have known. Since then, the fruit bowl of my loins has not presented any more lemons, or even any other cysts larger than a mandarin orange segment. I've had one bit of breast gristle, one ovarian cyst the size of a pea, and now this minuscule inconsequential grape of a pancreas cyst. Ha. It's nothing.

See? See how that works?

Comments

[Becs]

I had fibroids the size of oranges. (All gone now! Buh-bye, uterus! I'm glad to see you go!) And maybe one grapefruit. I noticed that doctors talk to women about such unwelcome intruders in terms of fruit. With men, they talk about it in terms of sporting equipment. "Yes, that nodule on your left testicle is the size of a golfball", or ping pong ball or basketball or some such.

Why can't they just say "4 cm round" or some such? They really think we're that stupid.

Many sympathies on the labia cyst. Ow ow ow.

[wyo]

Had one of those horrid "little" Bartholin's glad cysts myself—you're right. Pretty much all other cysts pale by comparison.

[Zayrina]

Becs, while not all people are stupid, you are in the minority, in the US at least, if you know what 4 cm is. I do know what 4 cm looks like, but I like to give and get measurements in terms that are more recognizable and common.

[sue]

I'm stuck on 'Barenaked Cruise Message Board'... there IS such a thing? Interesting...

I've had small cysts in that...um...area... and I can just imagine how painful YOURS was! Eek!

[TasterSpoon]

I'm all worried about your pancreas, and then you make me laugh with "Cysterhood."

My saddle sore stories have nothing on your lemon. But I guarantee they are unappetizing. I like the delicacy of the term "express."

e-Hugs to your bashful pancreas.

[Sarah]

Okay, stories like these reassure me that my decision to go into nursing is a good one...I live for stuff like this. I kinda' hope I get one, infact.

[TheQueen]

Becs - I've known people with fibroids. I hear they are very painful and complicate pregnancies. You just can't imagina grapefruit doing that.
Wyo - (hi!) Way to delurk with matching Tales From the Cyst!
Zayrina - I had to pull out my tape measure and say "eww. That's bigger than I thought."
Sue - Oh sure, it's the message board for the Barenaked Ladies Cruise that Sixthman organizes. Here, lurk: http://www.shipsanddip.com/community/index.php
TasterSpoon - Stupid-ass pancreas. I don't even go talk to anyone about it until mid-December. I think they might start me on the trial anyway.
Sarah - Then, I wish upon you your own Labial Cyst. You can name it after me.

[Melissa]

Ellen, you totally jinxed me. I read your blog entry about cysts and next thing I know I have a freaking cyst on my chest, right under where the front of my bra-band hits. It's huge and sore and I need to have it expressed (but I'm waiting for a doctor to do it).

[Friend #3]

This isn't exactly reassuring, so much as it is nauseating.

I will never be able to look at a lemon in the same way again. Thank you, Ellen.

[TheQueen]

Melissa - Like Madonna says, "Express yourself, So you can respect yourself"
Friend #3 - That's Ellemon to you.

[Candy]

Oh my. Just that, I am rendered speechless.

[TheQueen]

Candy - Oh, you googled the pictures, didn't you?

[ScottieDawg]

I just googled that and almost vomited... that is the most horrifying place for a cyst ever!!! Ack.

[TheQueen]

ScottieDawg - Yesssssss. It is awful. Pray you are not so afflicted.