Back in '94, five days after my elective insurance started (victorious smug snort of self-satisfaction) I woke up and my feet were asleep. Oh, and I felt like my guts were super-glued together.
"Like a tight band is around your torso?" asked the neurologist I saw seven days after the insurance started.
"Why, yes, it feels just like that!" (Torso band. Classic. Textbook. So unimaginative.)
This all happened in less than a week. I went on a cruise, returned to an MRI and I was back on the medical Fast Track. The secret to the fast track? Have something so obvious even the receptionist can diagnose it.
"Hmm," grunted the neurologist, "I think you might have a mild case of MS."
"Hunh." I grunted in return, as these thoughts went through my head, in this order.
1. No, I don't. You are wrong. (Stage 1: Denial.)
2. Shit. The second question that gastroenterologist asked me was "Do you have MS?" Shit! (Stage 2: Anger!)
3. But he said it's a mild case. (Stage 3: Bargaining?)
4. Crap. I bet everybody starts off with a mild case. Then they DIE. (Stage 4: Depression ... )
5. Okay. What do I know about MS? (Stage 5: Acceptance.) Well, when I was in college there was that evil character on Days of Our Lives. She was in a hospital bed and Stephano DiMera came by and complimented her on conning the doctors into thinking she was sick (for some evil DiMera scheme) and the MS thing she threw in there, that was a nice touch. No, she sobbed, they found out I really do have MS, and I could get amnesia, or go blind, or be paralyzed! (Or, evil DiMera lady, you could poop uncontrollably for a year. Classy.)
I bring this up because today I had the tv on today and I surfed past Days of Our Lives, and there she was. "Dang," I thought, "She looks good." So I did a little research, and it looks as if after a 20 year absence "Anna DiMera" is back.
Here's the cool thing: "Anna" has a MySpace page. She can be your "Friend"! You can wish her a happy birthday! Even though she isn't real!
Click here to see her MySpace page. Personally, I think she should have more sophisticated taste in music and color.
The best part appears at the beginning of her bio and is the only reference to MS:
"Roman believed Anna was dead, but she told him she was rescued and then sold into white slavery. Anna had red marks on her back which she claimed where whip marks, but were actually scars from multiple sclerosis, which she kept a secret."
Yeah! Because white slavery, society accepts that. Not like the DREAD Multiple Sclerosis Back Scars. Which are entirely fictional. I Thank God I didn't asks the neurologist, "but...but...will I have Back Scars?"
Damn, your MS was pretty time accommodating with that insurance, wasn't it?
And the red marks are probably burns from her pants being on fire. Though you should totally explain the situation to your neurologist and ask about the red marks. And record the conversation for us to hear.
Posted by: Katie | February 23, 2008 at 08:56 AM
This is scary, because I remember watching Anna and rooting for her to win Tony back long before I was ever aware of wtf MS is.
And the song on her MySpace is by last year's American Idol runner-up, Blake Lewis.
I know, I need a life.
Posted by: Jammies | February 23, 2008 at 06:21 PM
Another way to get on the Medical Fast Track is to walk into the Doc in the Box where they normally ignore you and say, "I have a lump under my arm. No, really. It's like I'm growing a third boob."
Like it's not hard enough to find a good bra to begin with?
As it turns out, the doctor couldn't diagnose it but gave me some antibiotics in a "the hell?" gesture. I came home and Googled the symptoms - Cat scratch fever! No, really. What that poor girl paid to go through med school....And it's all on the Interweb...
Posted by: Becs | February 23, 2008 at 08:10 PM
Katie - ISN'T IT? It's the best insurance story I know. When I called and asked if they'd cover the Avonex, the insurance company didn't turn a hair, even though I teased the agent about how I'd only just started.
Jammies - Did they ever mention the MS after the first year she was on? I never saw her have an exacerbation. Or, you know, pee on herself.
Becs - I have heard that Cat Scratch fever is pretty uncommon. Did you hallucinate?
Posted by: TheQueen | February 23, 2008 at 11:58 PM
I have MS and you expect me to remember? *giggle* No, actually, I don't think they did mention it again. She certainly never fell into an azalea bush or flung pens uncontrollably across the room or peed herself. Erm, not that I have done any of those things, either...
Posted by: Jammies | February 24, 2008 at 07:20 AM
Jammies - Peeing oneself is the greatest challenge an actress can face.
Posted by: TheQueen | February 24, 2008 at 10:13 PM
Hello Queen! Your 5 stages of grief reminded me of this clip http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5599653831384737938&q=giraffe+robot+chicken&total=76&start=0&num=10&so=0&type=search&plindex=0
Unfortunately you must watch about 30 seconds of commercial before the video. Fortunately it's worth it. Hope you feel better soon...you're one of my most favorite new blog finds, so I need you up and posting! ;)
Posted by: jessica fantastica | February 28, 2008 at 02:26 AM
Jessica fantastica - Ha! That video was hysterical. ESPECIALLY the depression stage.
Posted by: TheQueen | February 28, 2008 at 10:22 PM