Back in '94, five days after my elective insurance started (victorious smug snort of self-satisfaction) I woke up and my feet were asleep. Oh, and I felt like my guts were super-glued together.
"Like a tight band is around your torso?" asked the neurologist I saw seven days after the insurance started.
"Why, yes, it feels just like that!" (Torso band. Classic. Textbook. So unimaginative.)
This all happened in less than a week. I went on a cruise, returned to an MRI and I was back on the medical Fast Track. The secret to the fast track? Have something so obvious even the receptionist can diagnose it.
"Hmm," grunted the neurologist, "I think you might have a mild case of MS."
"Hunh." I grunted in return, as these thoughts went through my head, in this order.
1. No, I don't. You are wrong. (Stage 1: Denial.)
2. Shit. The second question that gastroenterologist asked me was "Do you have MS?" Shit! (Stage 2: Anger!)
3. But he said it's a mild case. (Stage 3: Bargaining?)
4. Crap. I bet everybody starts off with a mild case. Then they DIE. (Stage 4: Depression ... )
5. Okay. What do I know about MS? (Stage 5: Acceptance.) Well, when I was in college there was that evil character on Days of Our Lives. She was in a hospital bed and Stephano DiMera came by and complimented her on conning the doctors into thinking she was sick (for some evil DiMera scheme) and the MS thing she threw in there, that was a nice touch. No, she sobbed, they found out I really do have MS, and I could get amnesia, or go blind, or be paralyzed! (Or, evil DiMera lady, you could poop uncontrollably for a year. Classy.)
I bring this up because today I had the tv on today and I surfed past Days of Our Lives, and there she was. "Dang," I thought, "She looks good." So I did a little research, and it looks as if after a 20 year absence "Anna DiMera" is back.
Here's the cool thing: "Anna" has a MySpace page. She can be your "Friend"! You can wish her a happy birthday! Even though she isn't real!
Click here to see her MySpace page. Personally, I think she should have more sophisticated taste in music and color.
The best part appears at the beginning of her bio and is the only reference to MS:
"Roman believed Anna was dead, but she told him she was rescued and then sold into white slavery. Anna had red marks on her back which she claimed where whip marks, but were actually scars from multiple sclerosis, which she kept a secret."
Yeah! Because white slavery, society accepts that. Not like the DREAD Multiple Sclerosis Back Scars. Which are entirely fictional. I Thank God I didn't asks the neurologist, "but...but...will I have Back Scars?"