Still Nothing Funny to See Here...

Important Mom update: Mom is still breathing, conscious, and asking for various friends.

Long Mom update: This is so bad, people. We all cried today. I am sure people walking past on the street began crying for no reason.

In the morning, Mom said, "I'm hot. Call the doctor. Ask him if I'm dying."

After a long pause, I choked out, "I don't have to call the doctor, Mom. You are dying."

She slowly rasped, "I've never died before. Tell Wilma it's hot. Call Archie. Archie knows."

(Archie, Mom's neighbor, was declared legally dead once.)

"Ellen, Ellen, help. Help."

"How can I help you, Mom?"

"Where's my pastor?"

"You don't have a pastor." (Long thought.) "Do you want to accept Christ?"

Solidly, "No." Then, "Where's Gary? Call Gary."

I called a baffled Gary and told him to tell Mom he'd take care of me. At this point the nurse assistant was crying.

Then Mom told Dave he was a good guy and she loved him very much, then the nurse came in with dreadlocks and she had me get the boom box and play "You Put a Spell on Me" by Screaming Jay Hawkins. Then she insisted everyone leave the room. Then the drugs took effect and she went to sleep.

But only until that night, when Gary came by and she gathered us all around her. Then she said goodbye to all of us and wouldn't let us put her breathing mask back on. I watched her chest turn blue over about ten minutes. Then Gary kissed me on the cheek and said, "K, hon, I'm heading home now."

"Mom might die."

"She won't die."

I asked every five minutes after that if she wanted her mask back on, and after about fifteen more minutes, she said, "Air," the code for, "Put my mask back on."

Then we all breathed.

And it's just going to get worse tomorrow. I apologize to those of you who have parents in hospice. It is great to have drugs sent in the middle of the night by courier, but the rest of it sucks solidly, except there are nurses and their assistants who cry with you and hug you when you cry.

Oh, and there are friends who drop by your house and leave chocolate cake and wine on the porch for your husband to find. Thanks, Caroline.

Comments

[Becs]

Screaming Jay Hawkins. That's just somehow so Queen Mum. And decidedly not accepting Christ. I know it sucks, but it sucks worse when you and your mom love each other so much and always have. Love to you both.

[Caroline]

Apparently food is my love language.

[Katie]

Would send food if I could. Instead, just sending peace and good thoughts. I can't begin to tell you how impressed I am with you.

[Sherri]

Would send food. Would send print outs of every funny LOLCat, because QueenMum should laugh a few times more. Lots of music. Tell jokes or something.

And, yeah, quit sending the tear-waves to Florida for a while. I still have boxes to pack.

[Angie]

Sending my love and good thoughts for you and the Queen Mum...

[Carey]

I'm just some random stranger who's been reading your blog and loving it... I don't think I've ever commented before, but I just had to send you big hugs. My grandma passed away in hospice nearly a year ago and I was there every day. I can't imagine how much harder it would be if it was my mom; my grandma and I were very close. Anyway, much love and peace to you all.

[Christy]

Sending more sympathy + empathy (=sincere sympathy).

Good passage to the Queen Mum.

[~~Silk]

I've been quiet, but I'm here with you.

Another good thing about hospice is that you can climb into the bed with your loved ones and hold them, and nobody yells about germs.

[Crystal (Bratcw)]

Ellen, this sucks. My mom died in hospice a year and a half ago. I was with her constantly, and the one time I was dragged away from her to go to dinner, she died. The rest of the family was around her bed having dinner, she had been unconscious for about 18 hours, and she just stopped breathing. Then everyone told me she waited for me to leave so she could die. Nice.

It's an awful, crappy situation. But you will get through it. You won't ever be the same, but it won't break you. And someday, when you least expect it, you'll be able to think about it and not instantly break down in tears.

[Autumn]

I have been out of the loop. I'm so sorry about Queen Mum. I would be there to cry with you and give you food if I could. Sending love your way...

[magpie]

I am so happy to be reading this. Well, not happy, but connected? You know? Thanks for continuing to write through this. I appreciate it. (Because I've got a mother in hospice, and you shouldn't be apologizing one tiny bit...)

And Screaming Jay Hawkins? She's a funny one, your mom.

[Lisa Emrich]

There's nothing I can say to make the pain lift for you. My grandmother saw angels in her room and her own mother (who was dead) before she died. My other grandmother was taken off food (feeding tube) to assist her death (at this point she was no longer conscious and it took too many days before she passed.) Another family friend (quasi-grandfather to me) seemed to hang on, at least until my mother and I flew to see him and his son. While we were there the hospice nurse asked if there was anybody else he might be waiting for (he was not conscious) and after we (my mom and I with his son) spent the day talking to him and about him, he finally stopped breathing that evening while I was holding his hand.

Every experience is unique, but similar, and none of that makes it any easier for you and your family. My prayers are with you at this time. Please try to eat well and to sleep as regularly as possible. You need to stay strong.

[TasterSpoon]

Thank goodness you and your brother can be there.

[Suebob]

Yes, this all sounds too familiar but different, too. It is hard and wrenching and sucky and will change everything. But the good news? Life goes on, strangely enough, though it doesn't hardly seem possible.

[keri]

i am sending epic amounts of hugs from my way, as well as anderson cooper. . .
again thanks for continuing to write about it here

[stljoie]

My mother passed a year ago this month...on Easter morning actually. I am here sharing your pain and caring very much

[Erin G.]

Delurking to thank you for writing thru this time. At the risk of sounding corny: it is a gift to the Queen Mother -- and to us -- that you have continued to write. Thank you.

[Jammies]

I'm glad that the nurses & aides are there to help and to cry with you and to hug. I wish I could be there too. Thanks for continuing to keep us up to date.

[Hot Mom]

Everyone repeat after me:

"GODDAMMIT! It's not fair!"

That's all I have to say about that.

[TheQueen]

Carey - Hi Carey! Nice to see you!
All - I don't know why you are still reading this ... Well, except for those with loved ones in hospice.
Crystal/bratcw - were you the youngest? Maybe she felt it would be too upsetting for you. My dad waited until no one from his family was in the house.

[Caroline]

Crystal, my great grandpa waited to meet me before dying. My cousin and I were born three weeks apart and were his first great grandchildren. He was so excited. When I was three weeks old, my parents took me to my mom's hometown. We have many pictures of him proudly holding a baby in each arm. The next day he sat in his favorite chair and just passed away. I joke that I killed him, although I bet he would've died earlier without something to look forward to.

My grandpa also died while no one was with him. I'm sure he held on until my grandma didn't have to see it.

[Candy]

Been where you stand. It totally sucks.

How much does being a hospice nurse have to suck, by the way, and how little credit are those people given in this world? They're true angels, if such things exist.

[Crystal (Bratcw)]

Actually, I am the youngest (by 15 years) and the only girl. I know Mom didn't do it to spite me (most likely to spare me), but it made me feel guilty for a while that maybe if I'd left earlier, she would have gone quicker, alleviating some of her pain.

Caroline, I love that your great grandpa got to be with you before he passed. What a joy to know you were a comfort and a blessing to him in his final hours!

[TheQueen]

Caroline - Caroline, The Babyslayer.
Candy - Dave is planning to give Mom's couch to one of our nurses. (Carol. Mom said she likes Carol today.)
Crystal - Mom had everyone leave the room for twenty minutes tonight, as if she needed some privacy to try dying. Didn't work for her.