Gary has always had a very open appreciation for other women.
For example, we were in the CD section of Barnes and Noble. I was thumbing through the CDs and he was at the end of the aisle deafening himself on the CD-preview earphones.
A staffer wandered over and asked if I need help finding something. She was 25 and dressed in a snug sleeveless summer sweater, tight black jeans, and a low-slung studded leather belt.
I said, "No, I'm fine, but that man over there on the end might need some help." See me? See me pimp? I've always done that. Gary's always checked out other women, I might as well send them his way and benefit from the subsequent horniness.
So I lounged on the CD rack and watched as the 25 year old politely asked Gary if he needed some help.
"WHAT?" he roared. Then he took off the earphones.
It's always fun to watch Gary check women out, because he is so subtle. For example, he looked this women in the eye, smiled politely, then as she turned to go his eyes went: BOOBIES! THIGHS! ANKLES! CALVES! ASS! ASS! ASS! ASS WALKING AWAY! then YIKES WIFE! LOOKING AT ME! as she walked past me.
If quizzed he can always come up with some complaint, like, "Her feet were too big. Did you see them? Disgusting. Like Angelina Jolie's."
Now that Gary's getting a little older he has a stiff neck, so he can't use his patented turn-his-head-and-cough toward the woman-who-is-walking-away technique. Instead, he has to streeeeetch his eye muscles.
And he has streeeeeetched his eye muscles so severely that he is now seeing flashes of light because he has the beginnings of a detached retina.*
So see, it does make you go blind.
*It's just the very beginning. The opthamologist said he'd just need to start turning to face what he's looking at instead of peering out the corner of his eye. Snort.
"So see, it does make you go blind."
hahahahaha
Posted by: david | August 13, 2008 at 12:08 AM
I reread the "It's always fun" paragraph four times, and tried to memorize it, so I can have something to giggle over next time I need a laugh. But I'm not good at memorization any more. I'm going to transcribe it onto the back of my hand. With a laundry marker. Definite keeper.
Posted by: ~~Silk | August 13, 2008 at 02:51 AM
I'd be willing to bet John Edwards' troubles began because Elizabeth sent Rielle Hunter over to him so he could check her out.
Gary's a good guy. Keep him.
Posted by: #3 (since now I'm abbreviated) | August 13, 2008 at 07:05 AM
Good grief, I didn't know you could stretch your EYE muscles. Maybe the doctor can give him some warm up stretches, like runners do. You know, for when he thinks he might be on a marathon 'checking out' session.
Posted by: Shania | August 13, 2008 at 07:57 AM
I need to hang out with you more! Send the chicks MY way!
I like that head turn and cough thing!
--taking notes--
Posted by: #0.75 | August 13, 2008 at 08:15 AM
At least he's subtle. My boyfriend and his friends damn near hurt themselves straining to look at women. God forbid one runs by, it's a mass case of whiplash.
Posted by: Amy in StL | August 13, 2008 at 09:51 AM
I can trump you in a pimping of the husbands contest. I created the term "boobdar" and make a not so subtle high pitched noise(Boobooobooobooobooboob) to alert Santa of something he ought to pay attention to.
His eyes just sparkle and he has deemed me the coolest wife on the planet. (It is strictly an all look and no touch or I will kill him deal.)
Oh yeah and he is blind in his left eye, but that was since age 3 when he got a case of histoplasmosis from exposure to chickens.
Hey, come to think of it, chickens do have big breasts....
Posted by: Zayrina | August 13, 2008 at 09:51 AM
I'm going to tell my wife about this post. That's the coolest thing I've heard in a long time. I'd love for my wife to send a hot babe over to talk to me.
Posted by: ajooja | August 13, 2008 at 03:44 PM
David - But obviously, you can read, so it does not apply to you.
Silk - You need a tattoo.
3 - Nah, John Edwards just decided he was special. I dont know if Gary thinks he's special.
Shania - Marathon Checking OUt - like that cruise we went on 15 years ago with the Hooters Coinvention on board.
0.75 - I don't know your tastes, and besides, if you turn and stare at a nice butt, society thinks you are admiring her closthing. You can stare at will.
Amy in StL - I think Gary learned how to be subtle in his thrities.
Zayrina - Hey! My Dad had histoplasmosis! He dug in some dirt under a bird-beloved bush. And, Dad liked Playboy. I think there's some connection here.
Ajooja - You mean she doesn't? She can't possibly be jealous - you speak so well of her on your blog.
Posted by: TheQueen | August 13, 2008 at 11:07 PM
Don't know my taste? Wow, maybe I am more sly than I thought!
Posted by: #0.75 | August 14, 2008 at 07:49 AM
#0.75, would you stop looking at me like that? ;-)
Posted by: Caroline | August 14, 2008 at 07:21 PM
.75 - Well, the only ones Ive seen are the Starbuck's baristas and that one girl. So you like brunettes?
Caroline - You know ... aside from #1 and 6, I think all my friends have brown hair. The other two are red-heads. No blond chicks.
Posted by: TheQueen | August 14, 2008 at 10:30 PM
Caroline - SORRY! --turning head and coughing--
Queen - brunettes are a good start. :)
Posted by: #0.75 | August 15, 2008 at 08:10 AM
What about Friend #... uh... #... well, the Mormon?
Posted by: Caroline | August 15, 2008 at 08:10 PM