It is so awful I am putting this all into a jump, so you'll have to click to get the whole story. And if you have a feed reader and you see everything, then I apologize.
June Cleaver says, "Run while you still can."
[WARNING: DISTURBING MENTAL IMAGES AFTER THE JUMP.]
Okay, I gave you June, I gave you the title. So let's talk about my vulva.
I went for a special visit to my OB-GYN today, because my pudenda has been miserable. I pad about the house clutching at it. Since last Thursday, it has:
1. Shed hair
5. Bled, just in spots, but clearly external blood
And that was just on the left side. Then the whole malaise packed up camp and moved to the right side, where it not only pulled exactly the same stunts but it took my dainty little labia minora and doubled its size. And believe me, I did the mirror squat enough times. It was a Fat Caterpillar.
Gary was called in to do several inspections himself. He brought in the flashlights and the magnifying glass and spelunked about. Things looked fine. That was before I got on the Internet.
I tried to diagnose it myself and all I could come up with was: Crotch Cancer, Cancer of the Cooze, See You Next Tuesday Cancer. Because I'm on Mystery Drugs, and I had all the symptoms. The next time I squatted, my labial lymph nodes looked enlarged and purple. That's why I made an appointment with the OB-GYN, when I saw that change.
Naturally, all my complaints evaporated the day I had the appointment. Still, I sat be-papered on the exam table and listed my symptoms. "And then there were these nodes on my labia that looked big and purple, like varicose veins, kind of."
"Yes. I was about to say that's what all your symptoms point to."
"Vulvar varicosity. Lean back and put you feet in the stirrups. Yep. That's what you have. Varicose veins."
ON. MY. VULVA.
And then I aged a hundred years. I remembered when I realized I needed bifocals to read the instructions on my lubricant bottle. I thought that was a defining moment. Well, varicose veins on your dainties will just catapult you into old age.
Evidently it happens to 4% of pregnant women, but is rare in non-pregnant women. I imagine that's why they took a non-sterile urine test. TO SEE IF I'M PREGNANT AND HAVE VARICOSE VEINS ON MY VULVA.
ON. MY. VULVA.
KILL. ME. NOW.
Or maybe my vulva just hasn't had enough exercise. I told you the circulation had slowed down there the last last few weeks.