Crotch Congestion

[Feed Readers - if you can't see the jump and are faint of heart, look away. If you want to see me at my stupidest, continue.]

So. I'm still not done freaking over the hideous Varicose Veins on mah Vulva. (You'd be freaked too. Do not judge until you have walked a mile in my underwear.)

At the time they arose the veins were so horrible they were kind of funny. I called Gary with the news and oh, how we laughed. Now in retrospect it seems less funny. Maybe if there was some new unreal development, like spontaneous uterine prolapse, maybe then it could make me smile at its hideousness. (Uterine prolapse. If my granny panties suddenly filled up with my entire reproductive system I would almost certainly laugh out loud.) Happily, they went back to normal on their own.

Since then, a few months ago my neurologist asked, "And have you had any reproductive system problems?" I let him know that I had been visited by The Vulvar Varices. The Purple Plague.  "Oh yes," he said casually, "That can happen with congestion." He nodded. I nodded.

I nodded because I know all about congestion. I have a yearly sinus infection. If your sinus cavity can be congested, why not your vaginal cavity?  I remember that a friend who was trying to get pregnant told me Robutussin "makes your 'mucus' ... you know, down there ... more runny, so the sperm can swim more easily." Besides, I'm of the age one begins to to dry up a bit, so I could picture having a stuffy vagina instead of a freely-flowing vagina.

So of course, last week when my vagina again began exhibiting early symptoms (hair loss, bleeding), I thought, "Oh, this is because of my congested vagina," and in a stroke of genius, GENIUS, I tried a decongestant. I knew it would loosen everything up head to toe  just like antihistamines dry everything up. I'm not stupid, and of course, in a few hours all the symptoms cleared up and I was healed.  La la la.  Really. Genius.

So then I started thinking, maybe I should just take decongestants on a regular basis as a preventative measure. Then I worried that I would end up with the vaginal version of a runny nose and I'd have to keep dabbing at my privates with a hankie, because your vagina can't sniff or sneeze, no matter how many Kegels you do. Perhaps a Neti Pot to keep things from getting congested down there? What if I used Vicks Vap-o-Rub  in place of  lube?

And then today, because I am such a divergent thinker, I thought, hey, maybe I should double-check and see exactly what the doctor meant when he said "congestion." Turns out there's a whole Pelvic Congestion Syndrome which has nothing to do with mucus but everything to do with varicose vulvar veins.  Other fluids can get congested, like, the ones that flow through the bloodstream. The veins get congested because there is too much bloodflow and not enough bandwidth. So, essentially the blood is moving down there and not making it back UP TO MY BRAIN OBVIOUSLY.

So, damn, decongestants are not the answer. I'll keep working on the cure for Pelvic Congestion Syndrome. I will let you know.

Comments

[Sherri]

You mean it isn't curable by orgasms?

Too bad they don't make a vaginal TED hose. Well at least I don't think they do. In any case it is never good to take decongestants for any length of time, it'll give you high blood pressure. (Or so says I.)

~Z~

[Amy in StL]

Am I the only one who keeps thinking that it's a good thing you don't wax or shave because it sounds like hairloss is one of the first symptoms!

[magpie]

I think Vap-o-rub would be a distinctly unpleasant lube.

[Big Dot]

So, could a blockage in the vulvar veins result in a vaginal stroke, then? Hmmm...

[TheQueen]

Sherri - Well, truly, isnt everything curable by orgasms to some degree? It always makes me feel better no matter what's wrong. Plus, if the problem is that your bloodflow puddles by your venous valves you'd think a good valve-flushing orgasm would help.
Z - Hm. It would have to be something like a balloon I inserted inside my vagina and then expanded until there was constant pressure. And now I wonder why there isnt something like that already.
Amy in StL - Yep. Well, I'm sporting kind of a little crew cut. I'm probably going to start using the dog hair trimmer we never use any more, that way, I can keep a closer eye on things down there.
Magpie - Huh! In an effort to find out what's in Vicks, I read "ecause VapoRub is a topical cough medicine, it may be appropriate for diabetics looking for an alternative to oral cough medicines that may contain sugar." Of course, I thought, "Well maybe it wasnt that odd that Garys Mom fed him Vicks." Then I realized yet again that I am a moron.
Big Dot - What - like half my vagina would work and half would kinda drool on itself?

[Big Dot]

No, no, I was going for innuendo there, pun, whatever. Literal interpretation - yuk.

Coming to you from somewhere else again for the last time this year. Clue: yesterday I saw a lizard 5 metres long and another just 15 cm.

And I'm having to referee family disputes from several thousand kilometres' distance. I just love that bit.

[TheQueen]

Big Dot - Chisinau Moldovia!

But more probably Sydney Australia, where 4:30 pm is tomorrow morning.

[Big Dot]

Near enough - Gold Coast, up in Queensland. Looks like Miami here, or Palm Beach, not like the rest of Australia at all. But surfer dudes everywhere.

[TheQueen]

Big Dot - Ah! I saw your itty bitty dot, but I dismissed it as a Google search.

[Big Dot]

You saw me? That's amazing, I've had hardly any computer access at all - like about twice before now. Amazing and a bit scary, Big Sister.

[TheQueen]

Big Dot - It's not like I know what you're wearing. Besides, you know you can download Google Chrome and be all anonymous.

[Buy Propecia Online]

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