I took my crotch to the crotch doctor for the monthly swelling and bleeding of the alternating labia. When I apologized for bothering him with a matter obviously not life-or-death, he mentioned Cancer. (CANCER SHOUTOUT NUMBER ONE.) He peered at me and saw the problem.
He drew a picture of my vulva and said, "You have a hole here, at the base of your left labia, and another here, on the other side." I got the impression I am not supposed to have these holes. I nodded. "So," he continued, "We have one option, which is to cut out the base of your labia - "
"And do a biopsy? Do it. Cut everything out."
"Well, we'd only do that if you had vaginal cancer." (CANCER SHOUTOUT THE SECOND.) "OOOoooooorrrr, you use this cream and see if it helps. It's an anti-fungal and anti-inflammatory." Then I was directed to get dressed and wait for my prescription.
Early on I learned that many of my doctors use this time to mutter their notes into some recording device in the hallway, so I always get dressed and stand in the open doorway now. I heard him mumble:
"Swelling inflammation, [mumble] bleeding alternating labia minora," (Eeee! He's talking about me!) "Grade 2 tumor," (Oh, no, must be someone else) "Prescribed anti-inflammatory anti-fungal [mumble]." (Hey, wait, that's me again.)
So, I got the Mycolog II cream, which reportedly smells like "cereal." ("I like Trix," Gary remarked.) Then I went home, found Gary, and what am I to do when the doctor tells me there are holes in my labia. What else does one do but get the digital camera and take a hi-res crotch shot and zoom in on the naughty bits?
Anything. Anything ELSE. DO ANYTHING ELSE.
Because the geography from afar may look healthy, but the close-up is terrifying. I think I saw 20% smooth pink, but the rest was a collection of bumpy twisted purple, dark purple, indigo, white and bruise-yellow. With, amazingly, the tiny wormholes the doctor had mentioned. I only saw one, but it looked precisely like someone had stuck me with the graphite end of a wooden pencil. Just until the lead was buried in the flesh.
"There are microbes living in there," Gary said. "You have a fungus eating those holes in your labia? No. I'm keeping away from it."
I beg of you - do NOT bring those pictures to our next lunch! A discussion is one thing. Visual aids are quite another.
Posted by: Caroline | August 16, 2009 at 09:29 AM
Grade 2 tumor? Please to make doctor explain!
Posted by: Becs | August 16, 2009 at 09:56 AM
Yes, muttering about tumours and precribing ointment makes no sense at all. Did he say maybe "Another Grade Two pseudo doctor worrying about tumours"? Because really, ointment? Suggests fungus to me.
And isn't 'bumpy twisted purple, dark purple, indigo' the norm? Or should I be worried too?
Hey, well done with the camera - though that's a little mental-image scenario it's going to be hard to forget.
Posted by: Big Dot | August 16, 2009 at 04:13 PM
Speechless.
How can he mumble shite about a tumor and then just give you goo?
Posted by: magpie | August 16, 2009 at 04:45 PM
Hm. Maybe Gary GAVE you the fungus. I mean, not that you couldn't have a secret life with all sorts of sordid adventures, but really, who else besides the two of you and the occasional glove-wearing doctor goes there?
I'm having an evil mental image of you telling Gary that and him pouring hydrogen peroxide on his crotch. I'm twisted, I admit it.
Posted by: Sherri | August 16, 2009 at 08:56 PM
...was afraid to keep scrolling down for fear of pictures. A shoutout to Gary, though, for knowing the word Labia.
Please keep us, um, posted. You know how we worry.
Posted by: gaoo | August 16, 2009 at 10:01 PM
Caroline - it is killing me not to show you the blow up of the pencil-stab hole.
Becs -grade 2 tumors look the same to the naked eye as regular cells. So maybe it was a compliment.
Big Dot - Yes, it sounds like fungus is among us again. And thank you for making me feel normal, at least my multi-colored vulva.
magpie - But, he didn't say tumor TO ME. And He did notice something he thought might be a gland. I don't know. He's makign a lot of progress ruling things out.
Sherri - Well, I dont know what the dog does when I'm asleep, but yes, it's down to the two of us. He didn't even sweat when I told him I was tested for STDs last month.
Gaoo - Well, just wait 28 days, and then worry. Nothing will happen till then.
Posted by: TheQueen | August 17, 2009 at 01:05 AM
Dude...like wow. I should probably have read this post before the coping one. Damn.
This is the thing about stuff going wrong in the crotch. Doctors always want to wait a month and see what happens. Me no likey.
Posted by: Candy | August 17, 2009 at 10:06 AM
Candy - I know. But I do like this salve thing he has me on. It feels ... good. I can apply this for a month.
Posted by: TheQueen | August 17, 2009 at 08:12 PM
It may be killing you not to show me, but I will kill you if you do show me.
Posted by: Caroline | August 17, 2009 at 10:25 PM
Caroline - what about a line drawing?
Posted by: TheQueen | August 19, 2009 at 12:12 AM