I fantasize about being able to keep my mouth shut. To keep a secret. Literally, when I have fantasies there's always an scene in the epic plot when I get to say:
"Friends! Relatives! You may think you are at a backyard barbecue, but in reality, it's a surprise wedding! Because Lo I have fallen in love with my next door neighbor who happens to be a famous underwear model and I have NEVER MENTIONED A WORD ABOUT IT TO ANYONE. Surprise!"
I am also fabulously trim and fit in these fantasies, because they take place in the same Frozen Hell where I am able to keep a secret.
This is all to say, Steve from work is now my hero. At the end of a recent staff meeting, he announced.
"In February, I'm going to be a father."
A long confused pause. Then Tim remembered Steve has a dachshund.
"So... Peanut is having a baby?"
Steve said, "No."
(Steve is a dry person. This was not a leading "Nooooooo" or a snide "No." This was a deadpan, "No.")
More confused silence.
"Wait. A human baby?"
Someone asked, "Are you in some type of database?" because who knows, he might have needed a baby to grow him a new liver or something.
Then we had to consider there might be some type of relationship preceding this. (Steve is very close-mouthed about his relationships. Plus, he'll openly mess with you if you ask.
"Steve, how was your weekend?"
"I had a date to watch True Blood."
"With Marlo, from work. We texted each other.")
"So, how did this happen, then?" someone asked, in a voice of true confusion. Marcia picked up with, "When a man and a woman really love each other..." At this point people began to realize Steve had made a human woman pregnant, and we said congratulations, then we left the meeting. Half veered to the left to gather and stage whisper "what the FUCK?" and the other half dogged Steve and demanded to know:
"What's her name?"
"Reagan" (Not her name. I changed that. Steve didn't ask me to but I know he'll have to blind me if I ever see her.)
"So, do you know her? Is she a friend who asked you to impregnate her?"
"Of course I know her. And, no."
"Where did you meet her?"
When we started talking about love, he walked away.
(Later I told him he was my hero for being able to pull off my fantasy bomb drop surprise, and he said,"I really considered just showing up in February with a newborn.")